And even if you get past that, the single life can be bad enough to make you nostalgic for worse times. What could go wrong is that you bounce back and forth, just prolonging the difficult process of cutting ties. She s written six successful books on the science of sex, love, marriage, and gender difference. Both have helped us understand the ins-and-outs of breaking up. This time, we asked them how we can tell if and when it might be worth another try.
When the break-up is so bad that the relationship looks good One of the most tempting, but most dangerous, times to get back together is right after breaking up. No matter which side of it you re on, splitting up can make us feel isolated, anxious, depressed, guilty and unloveable.
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According to Comrie, the desire to redeem ourselves can be a strong force pulling people back towards their exes. If they reject you, that s soul-crushing for a lot of people," said Comrie. When our erstwhile partners are angry or disappointed, it s hard not to think that there s something wrong with us. That s why it s so common for people who are going through breakups to suffer low self-esteem, shame, guilt, and other negative self-directed emotions.
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Getting back together is one way of resolving these feelings. If we can make it okay with them, it becomes easier to be okay with ourselves. The problem is that the horror of the break-up can make us forget the problems that broke us up in the first place or trick us into thinking it wasn t so bad after all. When the green grass doesn t grow around People are also drawn back to their exes when their new lives without them don t turn out as well as they d hoped. Comrie told us "I ve seen so many people who say I m leaving you, I found this person.
They make me happy.
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As Fisher put it, "A lot of people think that being single is great… but it also has a lot going against it. The single life isn t all people are cracking it up to be.
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But attachment, which gives you a sense of security and enduring union, can only be built over time. Some people, which Fisher calls "attachment junkies", are highly motivated by this particular form of love. Since they haven t had the time to develop an attachment to the new people they re seeing, those people will almost inevitably seem disappointing to them even if they re perfectly eligible candidates for love.
Mere seniority makes exes seem more appealing. According to Fisher, this dynamic makes attachment junkies especially vulnerable to returning to less-than-great relationships. When it actually might work Trying again has its risks, but Comrie and Fisher aren t pessimistic about it overall.
Both have seen many people get back together with exes from their university or high-school days. Comrie said that trying again makes sense when a the two of you can meet the needs that you have now, and b whatever problems led to your split in the past can be or have been resolved.
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Sometimes this is just the result of changing needs and outlooks rather than any intentional effort. Comrie said "People change all the time. Maybe they were in a different place, maybe they were partying a lot and their partner wanted something more serious. But as they grow, they realize that the partner they left then would be a great partner now. When reunion doesn t work out, Comrie said that "the reason it crashes and burns is usually the same reason it crashed and burned the first time.
She stresses the importance of honest reflection and speaking to the people closest to you. If they think you ve done something honest and true and that this isn t just self-deception, then that s the time to try to win a person back, certainly not before.
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